Sunday, March 8

Confessions and Soulbearing

I've got tons of thoughts plaguing me, and I need to just to have a blurt-out session and get some of it off my mind, my heart, and maybe my soul so I don't look like this character to the left anymore.

My prayer for the last week or two stems from Brandon Heath's song, "Give me your eyes" and an article by Steve Saint I read in the current Decision magazine, who prayed the same thing but for different reasons. This prayer need stems primarily from a new member who is absorbing all of my time and keeping me from important tasks I need to do - for example sending out email prayer requests and checking in & keeping with some of the other 749 church members. I want God to give me His eyes for the brokenhearted, the down-and-out, the ignorant, the unsaved who don't see so can't know what I know (this last doesn't include said church member, by her confession of faith). I've asked God to break my heart if that's what's necessary to soften me toward them again. I've grown cynical and ... well, mean ... lately because the users and abusers and take-avantagers are making me angry. I've also asked for discernment to know when I should love them AND when I should judge them with His righteous judgment as I would want to be judged.

I went from blissful joy to anger and resentment in 90-to-nothing today. A moving worship service and excellent message left me flying with joy and forgetting everything that's been making me angry. I needed to help my Pastor print funeral bulletins after church for a 2:00 funeral (which I was prepared for and expecting to do), but after the 5th or 6th (or 100th) person took advantage of me being in the office by asking me to do something WHILE I was trying to concentrate on the funeral bulletins AND "off the clock", I was spitting nails. This severe attitude change took all of 30 minutes. I actually slammed the office door in someone's face. I don't work on Sundays, they ALL know that, but they don't care. They see me, and they see the "church secretary", not a fellow church member. Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. Wednesday nights are worse. I skipped dinner this past Wednesday because I just couldn't put up with it and was afraid of what my reaction might be. They don't remember that I'm here to worship on Sundays & Wednesdays, not to work. Last week, my husband reminded me, "It is your GIFT." Yes, one of my gifts is service. So I prayed. It's my "spiritual act of worship." And I felt better. But I'm SOOOO over it. I need help resolving this issue one way or another. Do I give up on the idea of just enjoying my personal worship, or do I make a stand and alienate my brothers and sisters in my church family? Where is the balance supposed to lie? Am I being selfish, or are they?

I did have a nice conversation with my husband tonight about him not hearing me. About him saying, "Hahnh? Huh? What?" after EVERY thing I say. I brought it up THIS time by saying I was considering taking voice lessons because something must be wrong with my speaking voice for him not to ever hear me. I told him that when I hear his voice, even when it's across the room and 73 other people are talking, I'm instantly tuned into him, so something must be wrong with the way I speak. He's told me before that it's only me he doesn't hear, that I mumble. (Um, he's the only one who says this by the way. No one else seems to have this problem.) When I reminded him that he said that, he retracted it, and said that it wasn't just me, that when he's in la-la land (also known as "the Bahamas") he is deep into la-la land and people talking to him just don't register. His brain doesn't think fast enough. So I'm practicing what he's said to do - say his name before I start talking to him to get his attention. It was a good talk.

Holding a baby can bring such peace to my soul. There is nothing like it.

If you've made it this far through my ramblings, thanks for listening. And I covet your prayers.